“I know why I have the scars that I do, and the bottom line is that I need them to exist”: Cancer treatment and women’s body image
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| Image: Cancer Research UK |
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| Image: Cancer Research UK |
When I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Breast Cancer two days before my 28th birthday, the first question I asked was “Am I going to lose my hair?” “Probably,” the nurse answered, as I felt the ground fall away from under my feet.
My hair wasn’t the best hair in the world (it had recently recovered from a horrendous, self-imposed quarantine fringe), but it was still mine. Well-meaning comments of “it will grow back” and “it is only temporary,” whilst being true, delegitimised the very real sense of grief I felt. Every time I touched it in the lead up to my first chemotherapy session, I imagined it not being there and felt a lurch in my stomach. I couldn’t imagine my face without eyebrows or eyelashes, and in my obsessive reading about side-effects, I convinced myself that my nails were going to fall off. Of course, being bald temporarily was preferable to dying, but classic media images of cancer patients haunted me. It felt like my identity was being stripped away, leaving me with nothing but illness.
Beauty practices and selfie-culture are often positioned as symbols of narcissism and vanity, with writers like Jonathan Freedland stating that “the selfie is surely the ultimate emblem of the age of narcissism” and a Swansea University study contending that selfies “fuel narcissism”. In 2021, a journal article published in the Psychology of Popular Media concluded that “grandiose and exhibitionistic aspects of narcissism are tied to selfie-taking” . Likewise, frequent headlines such as “A Generation of Self-Absorbed Social Media ‘Influencers’ Needs to Grow Up” reinforce the image of a failed generation lost to their phones. The media is particularly keen to scoff at young women who participate in taking pictures of themselves or make money online from beauty, with Gaby Hinsliff writing that young women’s association with narcissism may stem from their “overindulging in all kinds of navel-gazing, from the cult of “self-care” (taking time out to cosset yourself) to compulsive posting of selfies.”
For me, it has been a lifeline. In the aftermath of my diagnosis, I watched countless YouTube and TikTok beauty vlogs providing tips for women undergoing chemotherapy on the best products for dealing with dull skin, flaky nails and rashes. I poured over Etsy for the best turbans and wigs, starting a collection in an array of colours and lengths. Perhaps the best decision I made was to get my eyebrows micro-bladed after reading an article that suggested this helps with maintaining face shape after hair-loss. Recently, I noticed that my eyebrow hair had mostly fallen out, but I could only tell by looking very closely. After my hair started to fall out in clumps in the bath, I put on new make-up and earrings, then ceremoniously shaved my head and took a selfie to send to my friends.[…] A whole load of boring sexist and heteronormative discourse around selfies attempts to suggest that selfie-takers are insecure and seeking external validation. This jars with my largely anecdotal hypothesis that the vast majority of selfies don’t get posted online. I’d wager that most selfies simply sit quietly in private albums on people’s phones. They are scrolled through from time to time for a quick reminder of aesthetic excellence, much like dusty old dukes who had oil paintings of themselves hanging in their bedrooms.
It’s worth noting that I was only able to experiment with my style due to having a secure job. The indignity of losing your hair, eyebrows and eyelashes (among other side effects) is lessened significantly when you can have ‘fun’ with your appearance, an experience not afforded to people forced onto statuary sick pay (a pitiful £96.35 per week) or in insecure employment. There are prescription wigs available on the NHS and great charities like Wigs for Heroes which provide grants for women to purchase wigs and other items, but that doesn’t answer the question of why our government thinks it is acceptable for people to face potential financial ruin whilst battling cancer.
Of course, there are problematic beauty structures; historically, Whiteness and thinness has been synonymous with attractiveness, a default position that is often replicated in the mainstream media. But, engaging with beauty practices and selfie culture as a method for enjoying one’s own appearance can be a resistance to these standards. For example, trends like #BlackGirlMagic and #Effyourbeautystandards encourage women outside the Eurocentric beauty ideal to position themselves within “contexts of beauty, desirability and dignity.” This is not to suggest that such campaigns alone will change the racism, ableism and heteronormativity that underpins normative assumptions about beauty. Nevertheless, carving out space for bodies outside of the mainstream conceptualisation of beauty can only be positive.
Structures of femininity are innately paradoxical; women are constantly bombarded with images of beauty products, whilst simultaneously ridiculed for engaging with beauty culture. The intense backlash and ridicule of ‘the selfie’ and other examples of online beauty culture (e.g. beauty vloggers) reveals the ways that capitalism profits off women’s insecurities. Taking joy from one’s appearance, therefore, is in direct contestation with the market and expectations of femininity as existing solely for the male gaze, rather than for oneself.
For me, the end result of embracing my new appearance was significant - when I looked in the mirror, I saw myself, rather than someone with cancer. Selfies acted as a marker of this new version of myself, hardened by my experience and comforted by my new knowledge of beauty tips and tricks. It doesn’t have to be such a drastic example to defend selfies/beauty culture though… maybe women just think they look nice and want to share that.
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| Photo by Jaysen Scott from Pexels (edited) |
“I don't look in the mirror to see how fat I am. And when I put on clothes that are tight around the waist. And the clothes that I've got that are nice but that I can't get into. That's what motivates me to get my weight down. It's clothes” (Betty, age 63 years).
“That's the only thing that I would diet for, if I went out of my clothes size. I would have to diet, because I could never afford to replace all my clothes. If I was growing out of my clothes I would definitely try and cut down” (Sharron, age 46 years).
“I don't long to be under nine stone [126 lb] again, because I think that is an unrealistic weight for me, but I think just so that my clothes fit me nicely (Toni, age 27 years).
Recent work conducted by researchers based at Manchester Metropolitan University (Sarah Grogan, Kathryn Brownbridge, Jenny Cole, John Darby, Gillian McChesney, Paula Wren), and University of Manchester (Simeon Gill, Christopher J. Armitage, Celina Jones) has investigated how women feel about their bodies when they find it more difficult to get a good fit in clothes. We have been interested in particular at how the limited availability of well-fitting clothing for women who have larger body sizes may influence women’s body satisfaction.![]() |
| Blepharoplasty; before and after (Photo: User:People bios) |
But loneliness is not always a negative experience, as highlighted in AboutFace PI Fay Bound Alberti’s recent Biography of Loneliness. Many have expressed comfort, relief, and contentment during periods of lockdown. Charities like Face Equality International and Changing Faces, which support people living with facial differences, have reported that some of their service users have found social distancing, and particularly mask wearing, to be comforting. Others have said that the removal of their usual social and institutional support networks has been incredibly difficult to cope with. Video calls pose their own challenges, as not all video conferencing platforms offer the option to ‘hide self view,’ meaning that people with facial differences are constantly seeing themselves in mirror image while on calls. These experiences vary from person to person, and are not solely governed by the severity of the facial difference nor the perceived ‘resilience’ of the individual.
The variety of responses to the various stages of lockdown started us thinking about the particular experiences of people living with facial differences. Lived experience is essential to AboutFace. We recognise it as a form of expertise, one that is invaluable in our wider research. In particular, we want to acknowledge those whose experiences have previously been marginalised or their voices silenced in medical or historical settings. This is key to our research on face transplants, where there has to date been no attempt to understand the experience of the procedure from the point of view of the recipient. Our research on the emotional and cultural history of face transplants necessarily considers the wider experiences of the facial difference community.
In order to guide our research, we draw from the extensive expertise of our Lived Experience Advisory Panel (LEAP), which is made up of individuals with facial difference who are specialists in areas such as research practice, evaluation, patient participation and involvement, disability rights and advocacy. This group has directly informed the questions that we ask in the survey, which has been developed in collaboration with Dr Kathleen Bogart, a psychologist at Oregon State University who specialises in ablelism and rare facial disorders, and sits as the chair of our LEAP. By hearing from people with visible differences we will focus on collecting memories, opinions, thoughts and feelings, outside of existing medical or psychological frameworks for assessing people’s experiences. Our aim is to listen, reflect and consider individual narratives.
Our survey seeks to explore the relationship between loneliness and facial difference during the various periods of lockdown during the COVID-19 pandemic. It is our hope that the results of the survey will enable us to better understand the experiences of people with visible facial differences, and what support might be beneficial to them as restrictions ease. The survey is open to everyone with a visible facial difference, over the age of 18, who is able to communicate in English. We are interested in hearing from anyone who meets these criteria, whether they are based in the UK or further afield. You can take part by following this link.
Dr Sarah Hall is the Public Engagement and Events Officer for the AboutFace project. She is a strong believer in the benefits of interdisciplinary research and in promoting genuine knowledge exchange between public audiences and academic researchers. Sarah is also a historian of seventeenth century puritanism; her research interests lie in correspondence, lived experience, community, and social networks.